Women are like Peanut Butter
by Bailadora
Summary: My CBPC entry for June.  Booth tries to teach Zach a little something about women.


A/N: This is my first ever CPBC. The requirements: use the starter/ender phrases provided. I'm not gonna give away the ender phrase cuz that would just ruin the whole story. When reading this, please keep in mind that I'm a fifteen-year-old girl whose never had a boyfriend. (That will make more sense later on.) And don't forget to leave a review!

The early morning sunlight filtered into the bedroom through the thin curtain, casting an eerie glow onto the already terrifying scene.

"Oh!" Zach was at a loss for words. He covered his eyes with his fingers and backed away. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't erase the image from his mind: Hodgins and Angela in bed. Hodgins and Angela in bed naked.

"What the–"

"Zach?"

Hodgins scrambled to throw the covers over himself and Angela. Zach had his back to them, determined not to make the situation any more uncomfortable.

"Zach, what–" Hodgins began.

Angela cut him off, using a more motherly tone. "Zach, turn around." He did, cautiously lowering his hands, though he kept his eyes on the floor. "Honey, what are you doing here?"

Zach looked up slowly to find Angela clutching the blankets tightly against her body. Hodgins was glaring reproachfully at him. Zach decided to keep his eyes on Hodgins, who he noticed had a very hairy chest. "I was – I just – we have a new case."

"And?" Hodgins didn't look very happy that his sleep had been interrupted. Angela didn't seem to mind.

"Haciendas were found on the body." Zach hoped that the mention of maggots would pike the entomologist's interest. It didn't.

"And you came barging into my house at whatever ungodly hour it is to tell me this?" Zach didn't think he had ever seen Hodgins this livid before and he was starting to get angry himself. He didn't deserve to be spoken to like this.

"For your information, it isn't some ungodly hour. It's 7:30. And I didn't barge in. You gave me a key when you had me come over to check on the fish we were decomposing in your kitchen." Zach crossed his arms defiantly over his chest.

Angela raised her eyebrows towards Hodgins.

"It's a long story. Cam didn't find the experiment relevant, so we had to do it here…" he trailed off.

The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably, having run out of things to say. Zach turned to leave.

"Zach, wait!" Angela called. "You said there's a case?"

"Yes." Angela waited for him to continue while Hodgins looked as if he wouldn't have minded in the least if Zach left. "A thirty-to-thirty-four-year-old Caucasian male was found yesterday evening in a national park. Dr. Brennan and I are working on the time of death, but it would be beneficial to have you at the lab to examine the larvae." He paused to take a deep breath.

Hodgins regarded him silently for a moment. "Fine. I'm coming in." He threw back the covers on his side of the bed and swung his legs over the side.

"I didn't need to see that," Zach said. He showed himself out, sounds of Hodgins's deep voice and Angela's girly giggles accompanying him.

XxXxX

When Hodgins showed up at the lab nearly two hours later, Zach was photographing fractures on the victim's skull.

"Where have you been?" he asked, never looking up.

"If you only knew," Hodgins replied wistfully.

"Which would be why I asked you." Zach set down the skull.

"I…I got a little held up with Angela," Hodgins explained.

"Oh." He returned to the skull. Hodgins stepped up behind him and placed a hand on Zach's shoulder.

"Sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just, men get a little protective of their women when other men are around. Especially when their women are naked. You'll understand someday." He patted Zach's shoulder before walking away.

Zach was just beginning to prod at the fractures again when Booth appeared in front of him. "I'm going to go take a quick break if no one needs me." Zach nodded and proceeded to drop the agent from his thoughts when something occurred to him. He jumped up, abandoning the skull and ran after Booth.

"Agent Booth!" Booth pretended not to hear him and kept walking. "Agent Booth!" Booth stopped when Zach finally caught up with him. "Can you explain something to me?"

Booth's eyes searched Zach's before he answered, and when he did, he sounded hesitant. "What about?"

"Sex."

Booth raised his eyebrows, but seemed to be warming up to the conversation. "What do you want to know?" 

"Why?"

"Why? Do you mean why people have sex?" Zach nodded. "Because it's fun, I guess."

Zach looked skeptical.

"How about you tell me what you already know." They were walking towards the vending machines. Zach was speaking in a low whisper while Booth's voice was practically booming out for everyone to hear.

"Well, anthropologically speaking, sexual intercourse occurs when a male and female–"

Booth cut him off. "We're not anthropologically speaking because half the time I don't understand that any of that crap, and science had nothing to do with sex anyway." He shook his head. "You and Bones…"

They rounded the corner and the vending machines came into view. Hodgins was standing in front of one of them, kicking it repeatedly. Booth stepped up and popped in a quarter. "The things I have to do for a rich guy…" he muttered under his breath.

"So, besides why people have sex, what else do you want to know?" Booth questioned Zach. This caught Hogdins's attention almost instantaneously and he nearly choked on his granola bar. Booth stuck three quarters into the vending machine, selected B3, and retrieved his Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

"Everything," Zach mumbled, embarrassed that Hodgins, who looked just about ready to join in on the conversation, was overhearing this.

"Everything is a lot." Booth took a bite of his chocolate.

"Okay." Zach tried to narrow down his thoughts. He selected one and vocalized it. "Why do men keep coming back to women? They're so…"

"Bitchy?" Hodgins supplied. Zach nodded.

"Look, women are like…" Booth stopped and looked around, searching for the right word. He glanced down at the Reese's in his hand. "…peanut butter."

"Peanut butter?" the two scientists asked together.

"Mmm hmm." Booth took another bite.

"Because they're sticky?" Zach was confused.

"No, because, like peanut butter, they are yummy. And once you have something yummy you want more. But once again, like peanut butter, too much can gum up the words. Crimp your style."

"So they _are_ sticky!" 

Booth ignored him. "Men are like…" he looked around again and his eyes fell on Hodgins. "…monkeys."

"How you come up with 'monkeys' by looking at me?"

"You've always sort of reminded me of a monkey."

"Really?" Hodgins wasn't sure if he should be flattered or insulted.

Booth reached over and plucked a piece of granola out of the entomologist's beard. "Yep."

The scientists waited for him to continue. When Booth didn't speak, Zach gave in. "Why are men like monkeys?"

Booth didn't even hesitate. "We just are." He finished one of the chocolates and started on the other, walking towards an employee lounge. Zach and Hodgins hurried after him. Once in the empty lounge, Booth sunk down into a couch and Hodgins and Zach seated themselves at a table.

"Okay, so monkeys and peanut butter…" Zach probed. He wasn't sure if he should be mad that he decided to come to Booth for help, or happy that help could come in terms he understood.

"So, the monkeys like the peanut butter," Booth began, "because–"

"Monkeys do not like peanut–" Hodgins began in a tone that clearly said that everyone knew that, but he stopped abruptly before he could finish.

"Why are you even in here, anyway?" Booth asked him. Hodgins shrugged.

Zach was sitting in his chair with a very confused sort of look on his face. This was not helping him at all.

Booth saw his expression. "Okay, men are like monkeys because we sometimes do stupid things, like act like dogs–"

"I thought we were like monkeys!" Zach exclaimed.

Booth bit his lip and held back and eye roll. "We are," he said through gritted teeth. "Being a dog is like being a player. Do you know what that means?"

Zach nodded, afraid to make Booth even angrier. He wasn't quite sure what a player was, but it didn't sound like a good thing. Or did it?

"Monkeys do stupid things, like scratch their butts," Booth continued.

"Monkeys are actually pretty smart," Hodgins pointed out. Booth glared at him.

"I'm not necessarily saying men are monkeys and women are peanut butter," Booth told Hodgins. "I'm just trying to make this easier for the doc over there to understand."

Hodgins said nothing.

"Anyway, like I was saying. When a monkey sees peanut butter, he wants it."

"Wouldn't a monkey want a banana?" Hodgins asked.

If looks could kill, Hodgins would be dead. "But women aren't like bananas." Booth put extra stress on the word 'like.' "And once a monkey has peanut butter, he wants more. And more. And more. But too much is a bad thing."

Zach finally spoke. "Why is too much a bad thing?"

"Because, when you have too much peanut butter, the peanut butter starts to control you." Booth bit off another chunk of his Reese's. "And you start to do anything for the peanut butter. And the peanut butter knows it because the peanut butter is smarter that you and always will be." He finished the candy and licked off his fingers.

Zach stared at Booth with wide eyes. "_What_?"

Booth sighed. "Women are beautiful. Women are sexy. Women are smart. They'll bite you in the ass if you're not careful."

Zach was no longer merely confused, he was terrified.

Booth realized his mistake. "I don't mean it that way!" He chuckled. "Unless you like it rough, but that's a whole other story." He was now speaking more to himself than to Zach.

"Okay," Zach said slowly. "But that doesn't really help me with sex."

Booth stood and patted Zach on the shoulder. "That, my man, you are going to have to figure out for yourself."

"But–"

Booth just shook his head. "I'll never give away my secrets." He mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key.

"I'm not three, you know," Zach muttered.

He was lost in his thoughts when he realized that Booth and Hodgins were now discussing sex. Without the peanut butter and monkey representations.

Booth was laughing at something Hodgins just said. "What's the craziest sex you've ever had?" he managed to choke out between bursts of laughter.

"Craziest or wildest?" Hodgins asked.

Booth had finally caught his breath. "Craziest. I'm not sure I could stomach your wildest."

Hodgins grinned. "I could hardly stomach it. Okay let me think…"

Zach wasn't sure whether or not to be revolted. He decided to listen.

"Alright, got it," Hodgins said, breaking the silence.

Booth looked on expectantly.

"This is a true story. Okay, Angela and I were at the zoo–"

"Oh god."

"No, listen. This is good." Hodgins rubbed his hands together. He went on to tell Booth and Zach of how he and Angela had misheard the announcement that the zoo was closing in fifteen minutes. And, of course, they got locked in.

"So, we decided to make the most of it," Hodgins's grin was growing. "We hadn't had time to check out the monkey house, so we–"

"Oh god," Booth said again. "This isn't by any chance going to involve monkeys and peanut butter, is it?"

"You know it is, brother."

Booth rolled his eyes. There was no stopping Hodgins now.

"So, we looked at the monkeys. And they were funny and all, but they got boring really fast. Especially since it was really dark and we were all alone…"

Booth knew what was coming next. Zach did not.

"Why didn't you go find a security guard and ask to be let out?" Zach asked.

"_Because_, that wouldn't have been any fun."

There it was with the 'fun' aspect of sex again.

"It was around this time that the sex started getting… _wilder_." Hodgins deliberately looked at Booth. "Angela and I made sandwiches for lunch. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, to be exact. You know how picky she is – she just _hates_ soggy sandwiches, so we had to make them right before we were ready to eat. Which meant she had extra peanut butter in her backpack."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Zach asked.

"Tell me you didn't," Booth groaned.

Hodgins ignored both of them. "We weren't gonna do it on the floor where everybody walks, so we started looking around for an empty – well, they're not exactly cages because the walls are glass, but you know what I mean."

Both men nodded.

"We found one that seemed empty, so we found our way in, and stripped down, and I got out the peanut butter, put it on her lady parts–"

"Wait, what?" Zach cried.

Hodgins ignored him again. "We were doing our thing when we realized that we weren't alone."

Booth raised his eyebrows.

"It turned out that the cage thing _wasn't_ empty. The damn monkey could've fit in the palm of my hand." He held out his hand to demonstrate. "He had gotten into the peanut butter. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't needed to go back for more."

"What did you need peanut butter for?" Zach demanded.

Once again, he did not receive an answer.

"And it wasn't just the monkey. There was a guard standing in the door." Hodgins paused. "I'm not sure how long he had been standing there." He reflected for a moment before continuing his story. "Anyway, he wanted to know what was going on and why it smelled like peanut butter. So I told him, I told him, 'Sir, I was having sex with my fiancée. We got caught up in the moment and had to find a safe…release. The peanut butter was…assisting in that release.' The guard looked over to the monkey, whose hair was matted with the peanut butter. 'And I swear that's how the monkey got in the peanut butter!'"


End file.
